‘Become your partner’s secret obsession and make him/her fall in love with you all over again, ’ they say, is one of the strategies to revive a decaying love in marital bliss. And then there are several other recipes to strengthen a marriage that seems to be falling apart with each passing day, year, or decade.
So, what should the suffering couple do if nothing else works? When separation becomes inevitable, and divorce appears to be the only viable option to let the relationship breathe through creating distance between two people who were meant to be together forever, the underlying reasons no longer matter. Setting aside all failed attempts of effective communication, marital counselling, struggling with the dilemma of staying put for the sake of the kids, and taking that final plunge of choosing your sanity through separation, you are beyond second-guessing.
But what seems more traumatizing now is not the courtroom battle but the trial in your mind. And even if you manage to separate from your partner either through mutual consent or staggering contest, should you be flaunting your newly-acquired so-called freedom, or simply grieve at the failed relation and its burden?
In a country like India, where the purpose of marriage transcends beyond mere love and spans to family, children, and stability within confined boundaries, divorce is stereotyped as a failure of this sacred and quintessential societal existence of a couple and especially a woman. However, even with the lower divorce rates, India is still seeing a slow surge in divorces, and women are breaking the stigma around being divorced.
Challenging the perception of divorce and emerging through a changed outlook, Indian women are combating the anxiety of being labelled as ‘divorcees’ with more ease now. Whereas this changed attitude is helping the couples, especially the women, cope with the emotional aftermath of the arduous procedure on one hand; however, on the other hand, flaunting divorce is becoming the new fad nowadays. So, is divorce becoming the badge of honour now?
Getting out of a committed relationship that is bound by the laws, family, society, and norms is emotionally, physically, and financially draining. There is naturally an aftereffect that involves guilt, grief, sadness, and a sense of loss. One should let it process and follow its course rather than parading it around to falsely exhibit a certain coolness around it. Breaking free of the stereotypes of ‘meant to stay together till death’, ‘woman seeking divorce is selfish’, ‘divorcees are a threat to society’, etc. should be encouraged in cases where ending a troublesome relationship is the best option. However, to overcome one stigma, one shouldn’t start the trend of another suffocating stereotype that divorce is the new badge of honour.
Another aspect of the taint around divorce is the consequence of the broken family on kids. Whereas the separation of parents can be traumatising for children, unhappy couples may impose even more danger on the healthy upbringing of children. Trying to shield the children from hurt and pain, and helping them cope with the divorce of their parents, is never going to be easy. A fight over the custody of children can be further tormenting for not only the parents, but the whole experience rips the children apart. Whether it is going to be single custody, joint custody or a third-party custody, working things out in the most constructive manner so the children can be spared major damages spiralling out of the ugliness of the situation. And no matter what, there is no right age for children when their parents’ divorce is easier on them.
And then comes the major concern around the ‘A’ word. In a mutual consent, the couple decides and agrees upon the terms around the Alimony- whether it is to be paid by either party or not; if yes, then the amount, whether it is a monthly maintenance or a permanent settlement, and who pays the alimony to whom. Mostly it is the wife who gets the alimony from the husband.
Despite all the ordeals, a toxic relation that is not working should be ended, and the process should be normalized for both partners to walk away respectfully. And the woman should not be blamed and humiliated at the hands of family, friends, and society. On the other hand, in an attempt to normalize the effects both during and after the procedure, the status of being divorced should not be treated as a celebratory factor. Ending an unhappy marriage and getting out of it is fine, but it is certainly not a matter to rejoice over on the pretext of making it look voguish.
Warding off those nasty comments from the near and dear ones, casting away the inquisitive probing and queries, handling the newer responsibilities, and gradually growing to realise the freshness of freedom from a stale relationship may be justified, but there is definitely no reason to make it look artificially a joyous ride. Simply allow the time and tide to heal that habit of ‘being married’ and learn to breathe into being a new person all over again.
Take no shame in grieving at the rough phase that took a toll on your overall well-being, talk to your close ones and find a positive support system, stop considering yourself a victim and feeling sorry for yourself, seek professional help if required, explore ways to gain financial independence and increase your earnings, and last but not the least, start reliving with grace.
But before all that happens, there are certainly ways to first give the relationship a second chance at revival instead of jumping to a fast-track of divorce-ship. Trying to ‘stick together in a world that is falling apart’, smothering the urge to play the victim in alarming situations and trying to maturely work around it maturely without having to compromise, adjust, and accept, and believing in the best while changing the worst slowly. The choice of divorce is completely personal and a subjective decision in every case.
So, let your love, patience, goodwill, maturity, understanding, and compassion win over your ego, anger, resentment, and the urge to flaunt the tag of being divorced as simply a badge of honour!
About the Columnist
Jyoti Jha is a reputed Author, Former HR Professional, Columnist, and Globetrotter. An esteemed winner of Times of India Write India Season 3, she is a proud Panelist and Guest Speaker at IIM Lucknow and IITs. Speaker at the prestigious Times LitFest, an honourable Judge at Kashiyatra, IIT BHU twice consecutively, a Jury Member at Kritva, the annual Fest at IMI New Delhi, and a recipient of several literary awards, she contributes to both English and Hindi literature.
