That miraculous moment when you think your life is altered for eternity! An emotional warmth running down your soul deeply, making you reel in a compelling feeling that the time has collapsed to a tiny speck and is ready to explode at lightning speed. That magical moment is called love, where your heart strums the tune of exultation continuously. A beautiful state where your heart flutters and you have butterfly feelings in your stomach at the mere sight of that special person or the mention of that one particular name.
An alluringly enchanted feeling where you go beyond simply ‘loving someone’ to the bliss of ‘being in love’. Desiring your partner’s happiness as much as yours, traversing past the plain physical attraction, and growing to adore, admire, and care for that person. Being happier around that person and feeling motivated to be the best version of yourself, driven by the impulse of shining through. An unconditional selfless feeling where you feel exhilarated around your partner and sense an intense connection with the person. It is simply a dreamy phase where your head feels like in the clouds, and you want to flow along with that warm comfort and unwavering trust.
The sentiment of love is often accompanied by a deep need for possessiveness, where you want the person all for yourself and crave all their love and attention. That sweet sentiment of ‘be mine’ and desiring for your partner is guiltlessly acceptable and even considerably required in a relation. That powerful sense of attachment accompanied by a surge of attentiveness from your partner feels mesmeric, and you dance in the merriment of being wanted and desired by your loved one.
Despite the sign of those subtle sentiments on the verge of making you feel quashed at times, deep down you do tend to secretly crave for all that attention that results from that strong sense of belongingness. However, when that innocent inclination starts transforming into a controlling and aggressively possessive nature, making you want to own your partner, the relationship is sure to roll down a slippery slope.
So, how much of being possessive in a relationship is not too much, or when does it become too much?
More than the feeling of possessiveness, it is the feeling of belongingness that nurtures a healthy relationship. That dedication and devotion towards your partner, and an innocent expectation of those sentiments being reciprocated warmly! A mutual sense of belongingness with a few specks of jealousy, healthy teasing, and an abundance of acceptance and affiliation brings security in a relationship. These moments of shared enjoyment and feeling connected to your partner seem naturally comforting.
However, sometimes a partner may feel their feelings are not returned with equal intensity, and then there is a natural tendency to develop insecurities and fear of abandonment. And this is when that sweet sense of belongingness starts to take the ugly form of possessiveness.
Although initially considered as a sign of love, this feeling of possessiveness, when it becomes persistent in a relationship, starts developing a negative trait and initiates a crack and a weakening of the beautiful relationship. What follows later poses the challenges and the onset of a difficult phase, that of being unable to sustain the relationship with the same intensity and fervour.
Being possessive in love is fairly relishable if the feeling of ‘I love you and want you to be happy’ resonates in the relationship, and not the overbearing negativity of ‘I love you, and you should make me happy’. Those sweet and caring gestures seem so subtle at first and gradually become toxic with each passing day. Those everyday casual moments with your partner, which at first appear to have your best interest at heart, but later start to breathe down your neck.
It is time you pay attention to your relationship, voice your concerns, have effective communication, and rule out any negativity that the destructive possessive traits are causing. However unnerving the feeling of over-possessiveness in a relationship may seem on one side, a perfect dose of ‘belongingness’ in love is incessantly needed to nourish the loving bond. In romantic belongingness, a mutual act of giving and receiving, caring, and enjoying the feeling of togetherness is important, rather than being overpowered by the sense of possessing an object in the form of your partner.
A meaningful belongingness with a little room for an acceptable level of jealousy, the healthy act of possessing your partner, and a fusion of underlying profound love is simply euphoric. So, let the relationship flourish where two identifiable individuals deeply love each other and enjoy a healthy level of belongingness to keep the charm of the relationship going. Instead of strangulating a beautiful possibility with an aggressively unhealthy proportion of possessiveness, and giving a slow death to a cherished relationship.
About the Columnist
An HR-turned-Author, proud winner of ‘Top 50 Indian Icon Awards 2025’, Columnist, TEDx Speaker, Speaker (IITs, IIMs), The Times of India Write India Winner, Jyoti Jha has authored, edited, and translated several books in both English and Hindi. Awarded ‘Vidya Vachaspati’ and ‘Dr Shanti Jain Smriti Samman’, ‘Iconic Authors’, ‘Savitribai Phule Raashtriya Samman’, Judge at IITBHU (Kashiyatra), she has conducted Writing Workshops at IITs and NITs. She is the Chief Coordinator, Let’s Inspire Bihar’s Literary Chapter, and Sr Editor, Today Magazine. Known for her bestselling novella ‘Aanandi’, her writings have been featured and published in international anthologies, prominent media houses, prestigious literary magazines, and journals. Her poem has been appreciated by the Karnataka Sahitya Parishad. To help raise awareness at the very core of a caring society, her latest book, ‘Spectrum and Beyond’, is on autism.
